Quick update

I have been terrible about posting but with one school year ended and another one started I figure I'd better get something written down.

First of all we got a dog (mostly for Weslie). We weren't planning on getting one so soon but when I saw him he melted my heart. He was so snuggly and calm and I knew he'd be a perfect family dog. He has been great, except that he chews on things and sometimes drinks out of the toilette. It's been hard to train him when my attention is divided so much. He is the sweetest, laziest, smartest guy though.

The twins had their ballet recital in the Spring. They were SO cute, and did so well! They loved performing.

Weslie had her first school musical performance and her Kinder graduation. She's a cutie.

Madi colored the girls hair as a reward for being good and to celebrate summer.

The girls all went to vacation bible school and loved it. The twins are so excited to start school there in a couple weeks.

Weslie started school today and had a great first day. She was exhausted when she got home though. I am really pumped about her teacher this year. She got the one I requested and I think it'll be a perfect fit. That girl thrives on structure so it's wonderful to have her back on a solid schedule.

We celebrated going back with sparklers and snow cones.

It's been a really good year and the kids have really grown up a lot. Those are just a few of the highlights! I've tried to slow down and enjoy this last school year, but it still feels like it was over in a blink of an eye.

Weslie: Loves Ross, eating everything, being silly, and playing at the park

Sophie: Loves being silly, putting on shows, flowers, making Ollie laugh

Remi: Already dreaming of her wedding day, loves to help others and snuggling

Oliver: Loves following the big kids around, jumping into the pool, playing with cars and little people and his baby doll, reading books, and loves telling me exactly what he wants now that he knows more words!

Kevin is working a TON, but he is loving it. I am suffering on the Keto diet but I have seen a little progress so I'm feeling pretty good about that since I didn't see any Jan-June.

Summer in Utah

We spent a month in Utah this summer and that was pretty much the highlight!  The drive seemed much longer to the girls this year. We were all happy when we finally made it to aunt B’s house. Bless their hearts. We descended on their little townhome in all of our chaotic glory. We even had a kid throw up on the carpet. Chloe took the girls to the spa to get glitter tatoos and she took me on a surprise date to the spa for massages!

We went to waffle love at least 6 times and ate our weight in cafe rio. We laughed with old friends and visited family. We even took the kids to Lagoon. Sophie was pretty unsure after her first ride but Remi loved it! Weslie was tall enough to go on so many rides! Madi got a hilarious video of her face on the crazy mouse ride. Oliver found a little ride too. My favorite part was riding a water ride with Chloe in the kiddie park: I got to control how our fish moved and get her soaked! The girls said they wanted cotton candy more than anything so I caved and got them a bag to share. Remi decided she didn’t like it after a few bites saying, “It tastes like a blanket.”

The 2nd week of the trip we took the kids to Twin Lakes with the Harsh’s for the first time. They were so excited to stay in grandpa’s camper van and for their new camp chairs from Grammy. Weslie swam ALL DAY, everyday. She also knew boarded for the first time! Remi and Sophie liked tubing. Oliver fell asleep on the boat. I think more than anything they loved just playing with all the cousins.

The last leg of the trip was spent in St. George. Kevin’s Mom came down with his grandparents and we got to spend a few days with them. I also got to do their oral interviews which was so fun! They have some wonderful stories. I’m so glad my girls got to spend that precious time with them. I just love them all so much.

Part of  Grammy’s driveway was poured while we were there so the kids all did a footprint. That was perfect timing! The pool also got finished and they were happy to test it out. Side note: St. George has awesome splash pads! They were perfect for Oliver! Aunt Julie came and read a bedtime story to the girls most nights, which they loved. Oliver LOVED my cousin Lexie. Kevin and I finally went golfing for the first time together (what took him 8 years to ask me!?). That was actually really fun and reminded me how much we need a trip for just the 2 of us. Kevin also golfed at one of his dream courses. We spent lots of time lounging around Grammy’s house relaxing. We had hoped to take Weslie on a date to Tuacahn but the show got rained out and it was our last night of the trip! My cousins daughter was starring in the show so we were especially sad we didn’t get to see it.

Before we knew it four weeks had come and gone. We got a later start than we usually like to get making this drive but we grabbed a last plate from waffle love and were on the road by 8:30. We planned to drive longer the first day and stop in Amarillo, Texas. After a solid 14 hour day we made it to Amarillo and we were DONE with being in the car. Unfortunately, every single hotel was completely sold out. They didn’t even have  a room with a full size bed or anything. So we continued on and I called every hotel in the next towns as we drove. Every single one was sold out until we got to Decatur which is only 2 hours from our house. So we ended up driving 8 more hours than we anticipated and made it home straight through. I sat in the back the last few hours adjusting pillows and comforting the crying kids who kept waking up because they were so tired and couldn’t get comfy. We left St. George on Friday at 8:30 AM and we got home on Saturday morning around 6:00 AM. We are never doing that again. Everyone was excited to climb into their own beds and claim their dog the next day. When we picked up Ross he was huge!  Remi said “He’s a man now.”

It’s been good being back home and in a routine again. Until next time Utah.

This post has been in my heart for a long time, I hope I can adequately express what I'm feeling.

We always said we wanted 4 kids. That is, until my first pregnancy. The time I spent pregnant were some of the worst times of my life. Sure, I love the sonograms and baby kicks...but the crippling depression and never ending sickness? No, thank you. Don't get me wrong. My kids have been the biggest blessings in my life and I am so grateful that my body was capable of creating 4 healthy babies. I know so many others have struggled. My struggle was just different.

Of course, it was all worth it as soon as we met Weslie. As time passed, the terrible pregnancy seemed distant and we were baby hungry again. We got pregnant with the twins immediately. Although there was more actual throw up and more stretching...and stretch marks, it wasn't much different from the first pregnancy. Only now I had a little girl who needed me but I was battling such a fierce depression it was hard to get out of bed most days. Queue the mom guilt. Although I know I did my best at the time I still struggle with this and wondering if this is why she is such an anxious child? Was it my fault? But, mom guilt is another topic for another day. We were so grateful to have a 2 for 1 package. This meant 2 babies for one miserable 9 months and we never had to share newborn snuggles.

I could not imagine juggling another child at this time, nor could I ever imagine being pregnant again with THREE babies who needed my care. But, I never felt done with the twins. I always knew there was another baby. We had a bigger gap of time before we started thinking about a baby again. I KNEW the twins were not the last one but I was TERRIFIED of being pregnant and the sickness, and the effect it would have on the girls and financials and everything else under the sun. So I waited, and waited. And the age gap was getting bigger between the twins and a potential baby. The older 3 were so close. The last thing I wanted was to have another baby 10 years later that was completely alone. I also had selfish thoughts like, "The twins just got potty trained. Do I really want to start all over?" Heavenly Father had a plan for us and even when I was too scared and my faith might have been too little he blessed us with a surprise miracle just when we needed it. Oliver has been such a blessing to our family and has brought such a balance we never knew we needed. We all adore him and squish his chubby cheeks everyday. So just like that I had not only my 4 kids, but 4 kids under the age of 5. This was a little daunting but also perfect for us. When did I have 4 kids? I'm not even 27! How did this happen so fast?

Just like that we were done having babies.

In FIVE years we had closed the chapter of the baby phase. I would never again feel the little flutter of baby kicks. I would never labor again. We would never look at a brand new human that was perfect and completely our own in awe again. After we brought Oliver home from the hospital I tried to cherish everything because I knew this would be all of the "lasts". The last time I got to fall asleep with a warm little bundle snuggled up on my chest with a full belly. There would be a "last" time that I nursed him. This was the last gummy smile that would light up our day. I would never again watch with joy as my baby learns to roll over, or  crawl or say their first word. There would be no more special baby moments. You know, those millions of tiny moments that bind you so completely to another soul. Of course, I enjoy raising my kids!! But there is also something special about the baby phase that passes by so quickly while you are juggling and sleep deprived. I can't help but feel sad.

I truly believe that our family is complete. Mom's just know. They know when someone is missing and they know when the family is complete. If you're still struggling, then you're probably not done.

BUT, even when you know you're done...there is still a longing. Like an empty hole kind of longing. And I think that it's OK to grieve. Yes, I said grieve. I think whether I had 1 child or 18 kids... coming to terms with the fact that I'm done was always going to be hard. Why? Mostly, because I love it. It was such a special time in our lives. Truthfully, there might be part of me that regrets mistakes I've made over the years. The baby period was a time of innocence and infancy for both my children and my motherhood. The chalkboard was clean. I want to be a better mother and I'm grateful I get a new chance everyday. I also think that part of the sadness is just that life with my kids is going so fast. Sometimes I feel like I'm barely keeping my head above water and then everything changes.

I can be confident with my choice and be sad at the same time. I think it's ok to feel a little sad when visiting a friend and her newborn in the hospital. Or when you get a whiff of that sweet newborn baby smell. It's ok to grieve that the baby phase of motherhood is over because it is sad. It was a beautiful phase of life.
There will probably always be a part of me that misses that phase of life. And I'm learning to let it be there, part of me. When you have been given the gift of being able to have a baby...love that baby...it marks you.

I can feel a little longing and also be happy in my current phase. I am excited! I am excited for what is to come! I have seen my kids change so much and their personalities blossom. One day I'll get to sleep in again! I get to have real conversations with my kids and be surprised by their hilarious humor!  I get to watch them have adventures and see their dreams become reality. I am grateful for what I had, what I get to enjoy today, and what tomorrow will bring.