Out of the darkness once again

Hello,

This is not a nice post...this is a post for venting so be warned. I haven't blogged in weeks. Can you guess why? I have been miserable and have only had negative things to say.  It's true. Honestly, I was JUST as sick with Weslie as I have been with these twins, but this time I already had a baby to care for and I couldn't just check out whenever I needed to. The exhaustion, nausea, hospital visit, and the endless torment of smells (specifically oil...like my OWN hair and face...which is extra oily due to pregnancy and a few others that are unavoidable) have made for a very negative Rachal. Weslie was pretty fed up with me being a boring mom and having no energy. Luckily ward members and grandma saved her from boredom many times.
When you are sick with the flu do you ever feel like going out to the park, shopping, running errands...no. You feel like laying in bed and staying there until you stop throwing up. Between those feelings and the exhaustion I haven't done much of anything the past few weeks. I've just had no energy. Let me tell you it is pretty miserable to sit in a messy house all day and not have the energy to clean it yourself. You just have to sit in it and stare at it and try not to let it bother you. I tried to do one task a day to keep up with things and if I could just do that then I could feel like I was making progress, but I was never satisfied. Kevin has really had to step up and take on cleaning and watching Wes at night and that just made me feel worse. I am lucky to have someone so willing to step up, but I just felt like crap for not being able to pull my own weight. I just felt like I couldn't get away from it or have one moment where I felt "good". So I got depressed...I mean really depressed. I just kind of put everything on hold until the day when I would "feel better again". Everyday was the same miserable routine and I counted down the hours till Kevin got home and I could shower and go to bed. Pretty sad huh? I absolutely dreaded leaving the house...but once I did I noticed I did feel a little better.
So Kevin told me I had to leave the house everyday, as long as my medicine was keeping my food down, even if it was just to go through the drive through for lunch. At first I was mad at him (when I get depressed I get really grouchy instead of teary-eyed) selfishly thinking, don't you know how I feel? Now you are asking me to do something that might not be comfortable for me..etc. So I tried to get a sonic drink or spend a few hours with a friend. Most days lately I have found refuge at my parent's house. I can be comfortable there. Their living room has lots of sunlight and I don't get lonely being there. The only problem is that my mom takes it upon herself to babysit Weslie whenever we're there and she doesn't need to. So I worry about overstaying my welcome there. Wes has way more fun over there being self occupied than she does in our little place. I can watch her myself mom, really it's just nice to be out of my house. Plus it has been great for both of us to get out in the sun and go swimming in the pool the last 2 weeks. Anyway after a couple weeks of reporting to Kevin (He of course wasn't doing this because he thought I was lazy like I assumed, he was trying to help) what I managed to do I started to notice that I was getting a little energy back, despite the effort to pack up and go out everyday. I was able to get some cleaning or laundry done here and there. This week I have felt even better. The nausea has hardly surfaced. Thanks Kevin for forcing me outside, it probably helped more than we know. Now we can both live with a happier me again.